Episode 190 – Dr. John Gray on Relationship Dynamics, Author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”

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their full upright position as you take your scenes consciousness see all senses and allow us to take you on a Jim we are the intimate strangers thank you for listening oh man John you're scaring me man okay all right so wait wait I want to know

why is that scaring you ironically I've never been asked the question what's a red flag for a man left pass what's the red flag for women I've written books about it I'm giving some advice to women if you don't have a if there's a man you're interested in one red flag is if

he doesn't have a job that's fulfilling to him run the other way and so if you're looking to your partner for this huge support you're not going to get it all the time so you pull to yourself you have to have a life separate from your partner so you know since kind of like a

cup filling up and then you overflow with your partner but I dated I was considered what's called a keeper so all the women was it do long-term or they go slow with me because they didn't want to have it be a one-night stand see there's a distinction between

sharing and complaining complaining as I'm sharing my feelings in order for you to change your behavior that's a complaint sharing as opposed to complaining is just talking about your feelings without the intent to change somebody we've been always wanting me to

give them the red flags bye what's the issue with him him him him and I think the big red flag is you you you which is to look inside yourself what's up folks Xavier Quezada here you are listening to the human experience and wow what an episode that we have for you today dr.

John Gray men are from Mars Women are from Venus and we talked about everything relationship interesting subject of course dr. grades work has been featured pretty much everywhere Oprah dr. Oz Show today CBS dr. gray has been doing this for a long time I found

his answers sounding the accurate is a good word I think to use so hopefully you enjoyed this one thank you guys so much for listening the human experiences in session my guest for today is dr.

John Gray John it is a pleasure sir welcome to the human experience well thank you so much I'm happy to spend this time with you I want to read the inside cover of your book beyond Mars and Venus just because I I don't think that you'll name dropped this I want to

do this for you John Gray PhD is the author of men are from Mars Women are from Venus USA Today listed Mars Venus as one of the top ten most influential books of the last quarter century I just want to jump into this but I also want to know

for you how was this a draw for you how did you feel gravity towards relationships and men and women and their focus well I was a celibate monk for nine years in my 20s my brother was bipolar and I was teaching meditation and it really didn't help my brother

very much so I quit being a monk and went off to study psychology thinking that maybe I could help them that way I ended up teaching nutrition as well because that actually does help but my movement from personal growth through meditation moved into psychology primarily because

when I went back to study psychology I was very talented and understanding and counseling men and women and my whole message of Mars Venus was because at the time and is still the case to some degree people kept assuming that many women need the same kind of support that

were all the same and that's obviously not true and people continue to think that our differences are just manufactured by cultural conditioning while that is also true that certainly our culture affects us the purpose of culture is to support people in being

the best they can be and right now we're in a transition of creating a new culture that supports both men and women being all that they can be which is meaning that we're no longer limited to sexual stereotypes but at the same time we truly are very very different in many

significant ways which is what I explained and even when I talk about men and women we're not talking all men we're talking most of men and most of women and there's always going to be exceptions so the cultural differences are part of it but we are integrally

different what is the dynamic when you're counseling a couple is is there a certain dynamic that you notice most frequently that's happening between the two people well people often ask me where I got my ideas for a minute from Mars and it was right from counseling

all of all of women's complaints so the women who came to me had the same complaints about men and men had different complaints I mean literally so people say how do you know this is true I said well for 10 years and this is 30 years ago I counseled eight hours a day

and literally every woman who came into my office when I when they felt safe to talk about what was most important to them basically had the same complaints about their husbands and men had different complaints about their wives you know certainly there's many of those

complaints but one of the biggest ones for women was men don't listen and you know a man listening might say well my wife doesn't listen to me and I say well that's true but it's not one of your biggest complaints men typically come in complaining that their wives don't

listen only in response to their wife saying well you don't listen to me that's you don't listen to me and they're both true but it's not a man's biggest complaint he comes in his number one complaint is my wife's not happy you know she nothing's ever good enough for

her she's always complaining and that's gonna be the number one complaint men have which is that women basically he's doing his best and in her mind it's not good enough she's not happy and from a woman's point of view she doesn't feel heard she doesn't feel seen she doesn't

she feels neglected she feels not important she feels he's not listening she feels he's not the guy she married he's less interested in her and more interested in his work or his children or whatever so how important do you think it is to be fulfilled within

oneself before someone is pursuing another person or a relationship or looking externally for some sort of validation to validate themselves how important is that that that is essentially the foundation of any good relationship particularly romantic

relationship is to feel that you are happy and fulfilled on your own and your partner only adds to your fulfillment not that you're dependent on them for your fulfillment and again that's going to be a gender difference for men they really need to get their fulfillment

from their work I'm giving some advice to women if you don't have a if there's a man you're interested in one red flag is if he doesn't have a job that's fulfilling to him run the other way the second one you know he's saying oh you make me happy my job is awful that's

really not a good sign and the other side of this is women who find their fulfilment primarily from their work first of all they they should be fulfilled within themselves as well a man wants to find and the woman who's gonna be most successful in her

relationship has a personal life that's very fulfilling to her she has a personal life not necessarily a work life that's a you know drives her and she's passionate about it that that's okay that's good but there needs to be she needs to have time off from work

where she's being personally fulfilled through her friendships their children through her relationship with nature or with God or with education so it's not just all work Gouri nted this is really significant that we find a place of happiness within

ourselves then practically speaking without sort of being a cliche on the days when your partner's just in a bad mood you're not looking to them you can't look to them for anything you have to give more to them at those times and instead people usually just get unhappy

about it and get upset why aren't you attending to my needs why aren't you in a good mood why aren't you focused on me you were when I married you what happened well what happened is that person has had a bad day you know they have problems

everybody has problems sometimes and so if you're looking to your partner for this huge support you're not going to get it all the time so you pull to yourself you have to have a life separate from your partner so you know since kind of like a cup filling up and

then you overflow with your partner men feel that you know if my wife is happy I'm happy and well that's a true experience it's healthier to think my job is not to make her happy my job is to make her happier she's got to find the baseline and I've

got to have my baseline of happiness so that I'm not always looking to my wife to fill me up I love that and I truly love that and I believe in it myself I think it's so important that people are you know fulfilled within themselves before they attempt to get into this

super romantic drama of relationship whatever it is and it seems little to me like people are sort of chasing this they want a relationship they want to fall in love and want to get married there's it there's a sort of ideation that's happening do you notice this well

I think what you're saying is true I have a little bit of a practical suggestion that kind of conflicts with that but really it's right in line with that we're talking about the foundation of a great relationship but then there's this thing called dating you do not have

to be totally fulfilled in yourself to benefit from dating companionship getting to know people practicing relationship skills that's really a key as well because you know you might think that you're fulfilled in life my that then you get in a relationship and

then you find you have all these troubles so what you have to do is recognize that okay if I'm having all these troubles it's because I was fooling myself I thought I was completely fulfilled but I'm not you kind of have to have you know some

resistance before you recognize your problems a lot of people walk around in denial and I have loved myself I'm happy with myself I really don't care what other people think boom now you get into a relationship and you suddenly start caring what other

people think and we should care about what other people think but we shouldn't let it bring us down that's the problem with it and we care too much everything's about balance in life and so I recommend people even if they're not fulfilled inside of dating is one

form of life you know taking a class and some things another but not looking for your soulmate at that point what you're doing is is seeking to have a series of positive dating experiences to help you get in touch with that part of you that

wants a relationship that can have a relationship but the problem is this sort of desperateness people get into that's going to be a turn off and that sabotage is a relationship I'm giving an example if you were to buy my house your brain would shift gears into looking to

see about the foundation this would have mold behind the walls is it when was it built all these sort of issues come up if you're thinking about buying something but if you're just visiting my house you go my gosh such a beautiful home how nice how nice and that's the

way people should look towards dating is to have experience learning to communicate learning to be intimate learning to share learning to in a practical sense men learning to provide for women what makes them happy on a date and women learning how to be happy

on a date uh-huh that's the dynamic is we have to practice these things and you know my books I explain a lot of stuff about how women can get more in relationships how men can get more in relationships but you want to practice these skills when there's not you know

the perfect person there because if you fail oh it's a disaster but if you've got training wheels so to speak it's okay to fall one way or the other you're not going to hit the okay that makes a lot of practical sense na I agree with that is there a period that you would suggest

where a person is just simply working on themselves yeah I have no judgment against that at all everybody's different in their journey in life for me from the age 19 at 28 I was working on myself I was a celibate monk I actually think that was the foundation

of my great success today people always ask me you know what are your great marketing skills - because a you know famous person and you know happily married all these things they always want to know how do you do it well the foundation of its kind of what we're

talking about I was basically learned how to be happy and fulfilled on my own my only reason for not being a monk was to come out and help my brother and then I realized I had a talent and a gift to help the world so there's always in everybody's

life times where you just need to work on yourself that sounds great so we mentioned red flags on both sides what are some mean red flags for you know what are some things that men should look out for and what are some things that women should look out for

well I'll start with women women always wanting me to give them the red flags by what's the issue with him him him him and I think the big red flag is you you which is to look inside yourself and question how you feel and the person's presence that's a really big one now I

mean there's obvious ones if he's a drug addict run the other way you know if he's doesn't have a job and looking to you for money run the other way the if he's just dangerous run the other way if he's married to run the other way particularly if he's unavailable type

guy and you're really turned on to him run the other way some women get turned on to unavailable men that's just weather design just like some men get turned on to unavailable women you know every time you look at a porn video or something it's an unavailable woman and

yet people say why would you get turned on to an unavailable person we'll just go by your experience there is a whole psychological foundation for that which is that if as a child for a woman you didn't feel you had your father's attention and affection there can be a

wound there causes you to always try to seek out men who are not available because your father's not available and try to make them love you and so as an adult woman and you you know that if you show a lot of sexual interest in a guy he's gonna love you more I mean men are

attracted to women who have short skirts we all know that that's why women wear short skirts but it doesn't mean he's gonna want you the next day that's the dynamic here so the more insecure a man is the more he's turned on to sexually available women as the male energy is to

pursue and if you don't have any sort of confidence in yourself then you find a woman who's sexually available to you go WOW okay this is great you know builds up your confidence so but back to women with the red flags the most important red flag I would suggest

to women is if you have a history of unavailable men meaning that you got involved had sex he didn't call you back and another guy another guy another guy in that situation you should stop trusting your body response which means that if you have a you meet a guy and

you're turned on right away I presume that was the case with these other guys and you're so excited and have a sexual feeling usually that's that pattern you've got and you need to realize that's a red flag if you're super turned on right away because the truth is you

know you know the guy you're you want to merge with him come on give me a big deal that's for women not for men men can be turned on all the time if that's not a problem won't gets him in in a moment but for women the big red flag is if you find that you're pursuing him

more than he's pursuing you big red flag if you feel you have to give more to get his attention if you're really sort of motivated to get him and have to take actions to get him it's usually a red flag what you want is a man who's motivated to take action for you that's

the guy you want you want the guy wants you more than you want him and then through the dating process you find out that you want him just as much so there's a journey there of learning to get to know somebody and falling more deeply in love

you know there's this fantasy thing you fall in love right away it can happen and it can be real but you want to really but time test it out as you really get to know the person find out the person do you really still love them so much now for men red flags how do you

feel when you're in the presence of a woman does she inspire you to give more okay now sexual attraction certainly has to be there right away for guy different for women women don't have to feel sexual attraction right away they feel an interest of caring a wanting to get

to know him being uplifted by his presence it's not so much sexual but it's more intellectual of interesting so we can divide the body into a head heart and waist and in that situation men start to waste go to the heart into the head women start in the head and they go

to the hearts and they go to the waste that's a nice progression quite common in women and men who have successful relationships so a man has to have of course a sexual attraction to a woman right away a be the next step is that he makes sure that there's a feeling of I

have to sacrifice a whole lot to win her love you don't want to have to sacrifice too much to win other one's love but you want to be able to feel automatically motivated to give more to her you have sort of a natural acceptance and a lack of judgmental-ness towards her

those are like really key things if you find yourself being picky fine she's being really picky with you run the other way so there's a few few ideas okay I like I like those ideas thank you for sharing those like well let me let me give you another one I'm just

thinking about okay another one from the man's point of view it it's ironically I've never been asked the question what's a red flag for a man I fast puts a red flag for women I've written books about it like the red flag for men is when you feel a woman selling

herself on you rather than you want to sell yourself to her okay I'll say it again if a woman's really coming on to you and making you love her so to speak women can seduce men when the woman seduces you run the other way what you want as a woman that gives you

confidence you can seduce her that would be the clarity but I'm an John you're scaring me man okay all right so anyway I want to know why is that scaring you know I just you know looking at the relationships that I've been in and you know in in your book you say that

differences attract and what I find is that the women that I attract into my life are very hero seeking like they're looking to be fixed in some way or there's something so deeply troubled or wrong that there's a relationship isn't really possible and it's it's very

passionate and quick when we meet so it's it's very fast so it's I'm heating all of your red flags those flags okay all right got it okay so you know you know I want to I want to progress a little bit further okay so let's say that a man and woman finds each other

and they're clicking they're dating things are going well what would you say is the normal progression of a relationship what is it the normal pace of a relationship you know I'm a guy so I feel like I'm betraying all men when I say this but you want to go slow part of

our jobs that are instinctively as men is to go fast and it's our job to open the doors to get in there and her job is to not let you open the door until she's ready for this door then this door then this door so the awareness is if you have a

history whether you're a man or woman of having these really short flings and they're not turning out well and you want it to turn out well okay there's a distinction here remember we talked about the person who's working on themselves and so forth if they want to

have short flings fine you know I've known nothing wrong with that it's human nature you want some companionship you want some intimacy you want some sex if your person other persons into that it's consensual great but usually that doesn't lead to and I'm just saying

usually there's always exceptions to everything doesn't lead to long term relationships but I dated I was considered what's called a keeper so all the women was it do long term it goes slow with me because they didn't want to have it be a one night's yeah but if

you're just looking for you know fun there's nothing wrong with that at the same time it's not going to create a long lasting relationship for you you go slow you get a chance to experience more and more of the person you're dating and then your body and your mind in your

heart can see is this the person for you and has time to adjust to this being the person for you because there's nobody's ever perfect it's a mistake to think that you're gonna find someone everything's always going to fit together perfectly it's always gonna be

harmonious the matter-of-fact something you said a little while ago reminded me of a phenomena that men have a lot I was I just tell the story it was a fun story I was I had a limo driver and he heard you know he saw it was John Graham and Afra Morris all that and he said yeah

I'm just sort of jinxed and relationships you know I said oh how many relationships have you had he says well you know five significant relationships and I said well were these women you really wanted to have a real relationship with he says yeah I want to

be married have children have a family and I said so let me don't tell me anything more let me describe what your relationships look like in the beginning was really wonderful and she was very appreciative and everything was harmonious and you

started having sex and the sex was great and you thought wow this could be the one and then it seemed like she went crazy it's like she had all these problems and she started you know talking about problems all the time and you felt like oh my god this lady's

crazy she needs therapy he goes oh my god how did you know how did you know I said well if you don't understand women for most men they seem crazy but why would she have so many problems I said they all have problems life has problems just women want to talk about him but

they don't necessarily want to talk about him till after you've been intimate and then they feel safe and when they feel safe they start bringing up issues men they don't know what they need to do is learn how to listen and not try to solve their problems because

they don't need you to solve their problems and meeting those problems don't need to be solved they just need to be heard understood feel a little empathy and then they feel good again so literally this guy made all these women go crazy because he

didn't know how to listen and didn't know how to validate after being more intimate with them it usually happens after you've been more intimate where woman's a sort of unresolved issues come up a or just simply she feels safe to talk about the things she feels inside

because you have to realize women are not like men will use a cup example again unless it's half-full and some people look at the cup being half full and people look at the cup is being half empty the ones that see the cup is half full or in denial and the one that sees

a cup is half empty they're always unhappy so women have the potential really to see the whole cup and they really see a lot more than men do men can basically be pretty happy and fulfilled in denial the women who women are in denial will open up and suddenly

they start seeing once they have sex and they start to feel safe with you they'll open up and then they can pick up suddenly as half-empty so this is something men have to learn about women which is that they're more like the weather and they're unpredictable and

sometimes they're storming sometimes it's hot sometimes it's freezing cold and you know you don't have to be a victim to that you just have to have good relationship skills so if it's raining I have an umbrella you know if it's cold I have a jacket if

it's hot you know I'm shorts you know you just adapt to the situation because you can do this if you have the skills which most people don't have the skills a and B the which you brought out in the beginning is the foundation of a good relationship is you have to be able to

come from this happier place inside more fulfilled place and to be less perfectionist we can just say less needy the bottom line in my book Beyond Mars and Venus I teach you men masculinity is not complaining period you can go to guys and make jokes about complaints you

can ask what you want you can say what you like but to complain and whine is total turnoff to woman and argue and fighter oh my god you're gonna turn off and kill the sex drive in her and it happens to most couples just because women get angry some ingo of you're

angry I'm angry you know if you're gonna complain I'm gonna complain it's kind of like this ping-pong match and it's see let me give you an example of it you have a a woman come in with a lot of complaints and she wants a divorce man I talked to him privately has to say

what's the deal here what's the point give me that give me the big problem in one sentence he says she's not happy if she's happy everything would be fine and that really is the big point for men we just want a happy wife to a certain extent our needs are much less our needs

are greater when it comes to our career in our work our needs for relationship become enormous when we're not getting it but the bottom line is what we need most of the field were providing for her happiness that we're providing and make a difference in her life whereas for her

as of them were complex she needs to feel that we do make a difference in her life and that's a big challenge for women because women you know when they don't get what they need they go into their male side and they assert themselves which is alright but I'm not

gonna wait on him let's do it myself and then okay if he can't do it right then I'll just do it myself well if you don't want to help me well I'll just do it myself what I mean I want to go and do that I'll just do it myself a little that's fine but they just go into

they'll just do it myself and now they're men you know the man the male ego the male sense of self the self-esteem comes from look what I can do and the female sense of self comes from look what I have look what I get the female power which women are

losing they're just so unhappy today first of all it's the power to be happy second it's the power to get other people to do stuff for you so you're not doing everything all the time the number one complaint women have this is the number one complaint women have in their

lives not about men it's about them their life is they're overwhelmed there's too much quote to do there's not too much to do that's the world you created you choose your life which all there's so much to do there's so much to do okay don't have time for myself yes

you do but they can't they can't find it and they need help to do it and that's why I've written the whole book is help them let go this unhappiness sleeplessness that they get from being too far on their male side when women's male hormones become greater and their

female hormones become less that happens by the choices you make I give women the bright choices when you make those choices to come back to your feminine hormones you're happier you're more fulfilled you may not choose to run for president because it's a pretty tough

job I mean he said what is it 12:15 our job you working all the time just destroys your female hormones hormones are produced when you're relaxed when you're happy when you're nurturing when you're loving when you're when life is graceful and fluid male hormones get

produced when life is tough it's dirty as dangerous and you do the hard stuff and you don't complain about it now those are extremes okay I'm just talking extremes I like comfort I got five-star hotels I've got a great car I got a beautiful home I got a great sex with my

wife that's all my female side did that so we want in life as a balance of both where I see the dysfunction happens is and it's happening rampantly today is that men are too emotional and women are too work oriented they're too detached many women listening this program right

now are saying why can't I fall in love with a guy nobody's good enough you're on the outside you're on your male side you need to come back to your female side where you're receptive and open and we're loving you're happier then what happens is you find men are more

attractive and you find yourself being more accepting and you find yourself being more appreciative and you find yourself a good partner so doctor let me just pause you there I apologize for interrupting you but okay so chaos okay so so much to process in all that I

so I want to know you know is does this come down to just neural chemicals and also for a woman is it about letting the men help her is that an issue you see as well well that's two questions first is no chemicals nothing is just neuro chemicals so the body is really

projection of your spirit but your spirit functions through this body and the body we look to talk about the differences between men and women it's very simple you know if your and this moves into the answer the next question is it a matter of letting a man do

something for you yes anybody can do this experiment ask someone to do something for you all right even better have someone offer you no you can't do this but next time somebody offers something what to do for you that you can do yourself say sure go ahead thank

you notice how your body changes your hormones change when you let someone do something for you something that you can do on your own now certainly if it's something you can't do on your own more female hormones would get purdue's but even when somebody makes a gesture

to do something for you like what's the old what is some of the standard romantic things it's a going and getting flowers for a woman okay she can buy flowers what's the big deal nope he buys flowers it has a different reaction than when she buys him at the grocery store

second you go on a date together and he opens the car door for you well you can open a car door what's the big deal but when he opens the car door it's a consideration it's as simple it's a gesture saying you know you're special you're important and really what it's

saying is you do so much for so many people all day long tonight let me do things for you that's romance why is it called romance because it stimulates estrogen estrogen levels have to double in a woman's body before she can be romantic have romantic

feelings and that's biology but it's also spirit it's also mine the mind has to recognize I don't have to do it all someone's doing this for me I can trust this person I appreciate this person is nice that's all mental stuff going on but the

reaction to all of that is hormonal changes so there is never one thing it's a two-way street body mind heart all that come together yeah but you know it what's wonderful about understanding hormones this is so physical at such reality it's

such a fact that a woman cannot have a climax unless her estrogen levels double period done so then you start going okay now what what can create estrogen and a woman well whenever a woman feels she needs help and somebody helps her her estrogen levels rise up now if she

doesn't feel she needs help and you help a woman they might rise up a little but at least it's something and you're moving in the right direction which means letting herself depend on someone which is scary for women today particularly today because their whole

self-esteem is all wrapped up in being like men see how much money I can make see what I can do I'm independent but it's an evolutionary shift here where women are not going to be so dependent on men for survival and security they're shifting into gears where they depend on

men for emotional support that's a new realm of relationships is it's all about the lack of or the abundance of emotional support that women and men need in order to go to a higher level self-improvement self-development that would be referring back to Maslow's

ideas of when you fulfill the lower needs then higher needs become very significant now we're in a stage of development and particularly in the beginning of the American culture freedom you know everybody's equal and we want freedom well that's a that's a

big big thing huge evolutionary shift and what we want relationships is particularly women they want the freedom to be independent and men and within as vocal about it but men want the intimacy these are our two higher needs before we get to enlightenment needs is intimacy

and independence for women they're seeking out what they've had to suppress which is independence and men are moving towards what they've had to suppress which is being emotional but men are too emotional now they become too needy too dependent on things that make them happy

like drugs and pornography and junk food and all that alcohol you get to dependent you become weak whereas women are wanting to become too independent it's the lack of balance and we can see on a biological level what that balance looks like it's like a man I

have to have at least 3040 times more testosterone than a woman otherwise I'd be depressed and have a heart attack immense testosterone levels go down their libido goes away their motivations and life become away they start to want it to be tire they don't want to work so

hard become more emotional more depressed and this is of course what's happening with men all over the world today due to pesticides and toxicity I read put right books on all that to these day you know people don't even know pesticides are

hormones you're taking hormones so when you eat meat in the junk food meat fast food meat that's all hormones in there they put the hormones in the cattle goes right in your body and for men these hormones suppress your testosterone for women they throw their hormones out of

balance and keep women from feeling the need to make hormones and which causes women to feel that they don't have needs for a man that all needs for romance they don't need for connection there is in denial of a very part of them which is not psychological do not literally

their body is not sending the right messages to the brain okay wow it's a lot to absorb and take in you you know what I'm hearing the most is that a lot of the proportion between you know a healthy balanced relationship is first and foremost the internal balance that

we we all should have before seeking a partner but also communication and how we're communicating and listening to each other both men and women yeah not listening for men appreciating for men you said it wonderfully but I just want a subtlety distinction I just got back

from nine days in China and when I get home first thing my wife did is I'm so happy to see you and she had a big smile and she's so happy I'm there it doesn't mean she doesn't have all issues to bring up you know with we got lights have to be fixed certain things have to

be changed or certain pills have to be paid all those problems she's not gonna present me with that she's just gonna present me with that pure happiness that you had when you were dating a woman and she's just so happy to see you and had such fun she's gonna greet me with that

she's not in denial of the other things we'll get to that but you know it's upon greeting each other is such a key thing that men need to feel that hero energy which is that I am important to her in her life she needs that feel she's important to me so

I find her I called her right when I get to the airport you know I'm here I'm safe everything's fine and of course I've done it every day by email well one of the things women need is to know where their partner is at all times oh I'll have another GPS thing so I'll

send her notes and send her little things including her in my life that she is a part of my life and letting her know she's more important to anybody else and certainly when she starts to bring up issues I'll hear it was so sweet last night after not being home

for nine days I come back and the seasons coming on and I'm listening to my wife one of our daughters is there but I sound like a three-hour discussion on everything which is going on and I'm not in that role of trying to be the fix-it solve it but asking more

questions that's what women need most is men you're like converse by mainly asking questions and showing interest in what they have to say and then what you say you try to be more supportive rather than try to fix them or change them or whatever and my wife's very careful not

to do the same with me you know this complaining stuff she rarely rarely complains if they are there little things and if there's something big she'll ask you know a complaint is just a frustrated request basically it's it's a poor communication

skill to complain you know if you complain you're late why are you always late well that's just a negative message that will push a man's testosterone down as opposed to next time I really appreciate if you come on time or at least call me it makes a big difference

for me such a different way of communicating for man to learn to communicate towards women the message I care I understand and I respect you and I've written huge chapters in each for those three words you know men are always the one who got the respect but

actually women need the respect more when you respect someone estrogen goes up ironically when you appreciate someone testosterone goes up when you forgive someone smus takes when you're very accepting a person who they are your testosterone goes up when you're

being punished if you're getting disapproval if you having something complaining about you testosterone closed someone can depend on you ask for help they trust you they woman can feel this is the guy can depend on not for everything see that's where it becomes a

problem as women I think well he didn't do this so I can't trust him no you can course you can trust them there's other things you can trust them for you can't trust him for everything but we go to these extremes as people all or nothing another problem in relationships as a

lot of information I'm sure no no worries this is that in my book Beyond Mars and Venus I tackle these ideas of how all of all of our behaviors and whatever either stimulate male hormones female hormones and so then it becomes very clear that per man but when you're

upset you're always too far on your female side period therefore what can you do that when crease your male side and so and simply put anything you're good at is gonna raise your testosterone so if you're upset with your partner forget it and do something you're good

at stop talking to her the worst thing you can ever do when you're upset is talk couples do this all the time because they think talking's the answer to everything no when your heart is open then talking is wonderful but if your heart's not

open it's closed well when your heart is closed always there's a hormonal imbalance going on your body mints testosterone levels and literally going down an estrogen is being produced that's biological when woman's heart is closed their testosterone is going up

and their estrogen is going down therefore if a woman is upset with a man she must do something that will increase her estrogen talking is really good but not to a man you talk about your complaints to another woman you talk about your complaints to somebody you're

not upset with and then it's no longer a complaint it's a sharing see there's a distinction between sharing and complaining complaining as I'm sharing my feelings in order for you to change your behavior that's a complaint sharing as opposed to

complaining it's just talking about your feelings without the intent to change somebody it's very hard for women to share their feelings with a guy without the intent to change him if her heart is closed like if you have a chance I'd really

love it if you do this it'd be really nice if you did that this feel better when you call me and don't do this you don't feel any sort of emotion packed demand and most women can't do that they just can't so the beginning steps to do that is when you're upset

you feel this demanding quality inside of you then you go and talk to a girlfriend about and just share and should give you some support and then you feel your hormones will change I'm just sharing without trying to change somebody will increase her estrogen that

will actually open her heart period so there's certain things we can do biologically behaviors that trigger our biology then when the biology changes were able to do those behaviors that we know will work you see when your heart is closed you can't do the behaviors

that will work in terms of talking to your partner you can say the exact words I just said like a non-demanding request you can use the words but if your heart is closed it comes across as a demand everybody knows that you can hear in the tone of voice

they'd be experts say you know this is not my expertise just read this and many books that you know 80 90 percent of the message you give to somebody is all in the tone of voice yeah and we got a couple questions that came in people want to know this comes from Bangor they

want to know is a relationship more successful if the female is the dominant partner yeah I don't think you can say that's a major factor in a relationship we're looking at equality in a relationship there's all kinds of relationships there's there's if a

woman's a dominant and a guy's a submission submissive and he likes that that's okay it's what you like and what your preference is dominant however tends to imply masculine energy now you could be dominant and not have masculine energy and be very feminine which is

very clear about what you like and what you want that's often considered dominant but actually if it's done without demand it's very feminine so I'm going to step out of the world of how people interpret dominant and step back into my interpretation of masculine

feminine as if a woman is on her feminine side you're gonna have a great relationship if a woman's in her masculine you're gonna have a crummy relationship and Dominic could be coming from feminine are from masculine I do want to make a little comment there's a there's

a thing you hear all the time from people have been married for 30 40 years as and they say what's the secret of your sex success and guys will say you know I just learned to say yes to everything she says okay yeah what you know is on a surface they stayed married

all those years but what's happening the bedroom probably nothing everybody's different some people are okay with that that's fine but the younger generation in my generation who I am I want I want great sex I want great passion I'm not just harmony the relationship but also

passion and sometimes we sacrifice passion in order to create harmony and then can do this much easier than women just well women can do it too just deny deny just go yeah whatever you want yeah whatever you want that's gonna kill his sex drive

and if that's okay with them that's fine and that is okay with lots of couples if you look at cut married couples most of them don't have sex after 10 20 years that's just what's happening not okay with me and and so look at this massive porn

addiction I mean porn is ridiculous to me I laugh at it because I've got the real thing I mean literally if you're satisfied in your relationship with a real woman you don't need porn and it looks silly because they're just acting and it's all

just fake why would I want to be with somebody who's not real but men don't have this quality relationship I'm talking about so then porn becomes like an addiction hmm okay this one comes from tides if I'm saying that correctly with the changes going on in society I

feel as though women have to be more aggressive demonstrate more masculine traits any suggestions on how to hack female biology to become more aggressive less nurture more creator slash fixer I'm the expert on just the opposite I wrote a whole book on just the opposite

of women today how to come back to their feminine side is really the challenge for women today if you really felt you could trust others and you I felt supported in your life there'd be no problem asserting yourself women only become aggressive and assertive because

they're weak on their female side you know this person doesn't feel safe being female therefore I have to become male to get ahead you don't have to become male to get ahead you do have to learn some good communication skills of how men operate in the workplace but the

actual energy of success for women is the more you suppress your female the harder you're going to work and the less results you're going to get it's our female energies that attract success our female energies attract opportunities female energies attract a big yes from

other people that's what you want and that's the success in the world and women are becoming more successful in the world there's no doubt about it however their health and their happiness levels are going down because they're not able to you know over time they get

too far over to their male side cannot come back to their female side so I really don't write books on how women can be more aggressive or I do write books on how to be more assertive so one simple thing is learn how to ask without demanding you can stead of saying to a

guy you know you should do this say would you do this instead of saying to a guy hey could you do that a guy will say yeah but then forget to do it if you want him to remember to do it you say would you would use a very vulnerable thing could you pick up my

clothes at the cleaners and you say no I can't you don't feel any sort of rejection because they're saying they really can't do it but if you say will you pick up the my clothes of the cleaners you're really making a request and if he turns you

down it's like he's rejecting you so would you is a much more vulnerable thing and vulnerability is femininity I just highly suggest women if you want more success in the world learn how to be successful as a woman and success will come to you as opposed to running after

it love that love that answer um okay so one or two more questions dr. grey are you you spoke about the spiritual aspect of things earlier I want to know about this term Twin Flames soulmates there's this sort of romantic notion that is ascribed to these two ideations

of this perfect romance that just falls into your lap what has created that within our culture within our society to bring it sort of full circle what has created that in our minds is it watching TV is it movies well this it's a it's a thousand-year-old

concept thousands of years people believe this to be the case is that there's this compliment to you that you're destined to meet and fall in love with and live a life with you know I can contribute to that you know as a monk for nine years I have all the esoteric

experiences and I really don't teach this a lot but isn't she asks a question you know I remember many past lives and I also remember life between lives and I do remember before this life I don't remember it so clearly just like I just went to China I don't remember all the

details of what just happened but I have these certain experiences from the trip that I can remember same thing that past lives significant moments in whatever and I do remember planning to be married to my wife Bonnie so she is a soul mate

as someone that you sort of are destined to be with however I was with Bonnie I first met Bonnie she was married to somebody else and then I'm and you know she was very nice a sweet lady then at another time I when I was no longer a monk I met her again and had

an affair with her the last a couple years and she already had two little children and I really wasn't into having kids so we didn't get married then I married somebody else and then that lasted a couple years and I just called a banach one day and bingo right then I

talked to our heard her voice I remembered at that point I heard bells ringing and now it wasn't like bells ring his heavenly music part of the thing for me as a yogi meditator I used to fast and listen to go into deep meditations for days without eating and

then I would go into an altered state where I would hear the music of the universe which is very very beautiful it's like heavenly music you might say and so when I heard her voice this time I did hear the music and I did have the brief memory if we're gonna come

together so there are certain things that are destined so one might think of a das's soulmate and that's why those things are there there are people in the past who have had experiences like that so having said that I'll come back to being practical teacher that I am my

book beyond Mars Venus I talked about Rome eight verses soulmate and and that and I'll talk about a predetermined relationships or so forth because that's not most people's belief system however I do talk about row mates row mates are when the man basically does male stuff

and the woman basically does female stuff and there's no there's no crossing over the divide men are men women are women men of the providers women the homemakers men are tough women are soft you know all that you know stereotypical male female stuff that's a role you have

a role to play man's role is to be the provider woman's role is to be the loving nurturing partner okay now we've got something called soulmate which I define as not necessary you're destined partner and so forth that's a different belief system than most people have in a

practical sense soulmate is a partner that's it has the ability and the willingness and the skills to support you in expressing your authentic self all of who you are we have a soul that comes more fully into play when we express all parts of who we are to a

certain extent relationships in the past had less soul this is more soul means more authentic self which means for women to experience both the freedom of their independence along with the vulnerability and sensitivities of their emotional side the intimacy that can

occur and for men the freedom to experience their their more intimate vulnerable self along with their independent self so simple said for men to be both masculine and feminine according to your own unique balance and for women to be both masculine and

feminine and their own unique balance and having a relationship that supports you and both those qualities that would be a soulmate relationship so I like that definition is very practical twin flame many people refer to twin flame as a couple who get

together and their compatibility is that they have some goal that they share and that they're very much the same in terms of maybe their teachers and they'd love to go around and teach together but maybe they're both artists and they love being

in the art field together there tend to be just like each other they're more like each other the soul mates are complements to each other and I do see this as a reality out there there's some couples that are more complements and some who are you know almost like

brother a brother and sister almost the same but mostly what I teach is soul mate which is how to embrace the differences when they show up in a positive way whereas the Twin Flames they sort of they come together to do some project on the planet or do some

project and life together okay thank you so much for answering that I felt like you know it's been going around a lot and I wanted to clarify a little bit more you know let me interrupt because I really didn't answer your question which is the best best part of your question

which is yeah the naive expectation that a soul mate is going to be always in harmony and perfect naive expectation that your twin Flynn what the twin flame is that there's no challenges or problems in the relationship that's what throws everybody off you fall in love

and you think just because you're deeply in love with someone that there's not going to be challenges it's like saying there's not going to be gravity if you live on planet Earth there's gonna be gravity if you're in an if you're in a marriage there's going to be gravity

there's gonna be challenges that allow you to become stronger that allow you to become more loving and ultimately I believe we're really here as souls to learn love to become more loving and let's say I come by if I want to build muscle I go to a gym and I don't pick up

light weights I pick up heavier and heavier weights that's how you grow is through challenge if you want to grow in your ability to love you get married and you overcome those challenges if you don't get married it's you don't really grow and love you just

go from one partner to another to another maybe you can grow a little bit but the big challenge is to keep coming back to love after somebody disappoints you and every marriage there'll be times when you're disappointed dr. gray Wow such a so much learning so much

information and we just scratched the surface how can people find your work how can people find beyond Mars and Venus give us that information please my websites Mars Venus com beyond Mars Venus the new book is probably in most bookstores it's also on Amazon and parts

and Noble all those places have it the it's still in hardback you can get every day different podcasts of me as well at Mars Venus calm and most interesting is for women only Lauren gray who's my adult daughter also teaches classes for women how to sustain

your feminine energies while in a relationship with a man uh-huh that's tough and she really goes into the details of it the book about that is beyond Mars and Venus which I wrote but she teaches online coaching for women and that in that course so she does lots

of video blogs that are free and people can watch those and I think particularly women like them although online I checked the statistics and I see that more men watched them because she's always explaining women to men and men to women and they have a woman's point

of view is sometimes better than a man's point of view very true dr. Greene thank you so much your time we are gonna get out of here folks thank you so much for listening you have been listening to the human experience my name is Xavier katana my guest dr.

John Gray thank you guys so much for tuning in