Transcript for Danielle LaPorte – on Empowering yourself, Authenticity, & Success


welcome to the human experience podcast

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you on a journey we are the intimate

strangers thank you for listening how do

I know I wanted to keep it real because

the cost of faking it until you make it

is is expensive and painful no I went

downstairs to tell my kin like Oprah

team just called I make it’s like well

cool but you know what the toilets

clogged downstairs

real life is always happening you know

that’s my definition of holistic right I

want to serve and I want to prosper I

want to talk about consciousness and I

want to make cash

what’s up guys Xavier katana here and

wow we have such an amazing interview

with Danielle Laporte – Ellen hurry book

white-hot truth clarity for keeping it

real on your spiritual path from one

seeker to another who does what we love

this this is a fresh interview you know

we get into some things that people have

talked about but I love

Danielle’s authentic miss and realness

and Aramis this was super informative

you will find it highly empowering thank

you guys so much for listening

[Music]

the human experience is in session my

guest today is mrs. Danielle Laporte

Danielle it’s a pleasure welcome to hxp

Thank You Danielle

so you know I like to do this thing

where I’m just radically honest with my

guests we have a content director here

that brings new guests onto the show and

you know before her mentioning you to me

I had no idea who you were so can you

tell us briefly who you are what you do

please

well what I’m most well known for at

this place and time is a book I wrote

called the desire map which is all about

a more holistic approach to goal-setting

what I call goals with soul before that

I wrote a book called the firestarter

sessions and I’m most interested in

conversations around creativity and

consciousness I’m a mother I live in

Vancouver I have a pretty much women

lead women run business yeah that’s

that’s me that’s the nutshell version of

me your biography gives you some

different labels yeah entrepreneur

prominent writer speaker think-tank

executive and you never went to college

I mean so how do those labels fit into

who you are well I’m I’m all those

things I am a speaker I feel close to

life when I’m on stage is part of me

being of service I consider myself a

seeker who writes yeah that’s all truth

it’s all accurate you know I got a

chance to read your book last night and

I actually really enjoyed it I like your

writing style like the way that you

formatted the book you know there’s

something on the front the sort of the

subtitle of your book which says

clarity for keeping it real on your

spiritual path from one seeker to

another when did you find out that you

are a seeker and when did you how did

you decide you wanted to keep it real

well I think I was born a seeker and

that I didn’t fall asleep so I mean that

the craving to know how life works to

feel closer to whatever the creative

forces has always been there it was

there and wanting to write when I was

little it was there and feeling like I

had some connection to whether it was

like kids on the playground or angelic

forces so born this way did not shut

down have always been seeking will

always seek how do I know I wanted to

keep it real because the cost of faking

it until you make it is expensive and

painful when you’re off track where you

put yourself in situations where you

decide you know to survive you’re gonna

be inauthentic you know you learn that

showing up as who you are is really the

solution when did you start this process

of showing people how to find themselves

guide their lives where did that happen

for you you know it it showed up in my

first real job was working at the body

shop in Toronto and you know as a global

organization and I was pumping foot

cream and the stores and still having

talks with people about you know what

they were gonna do in their

relationships and then when I got into a

management position or a place of

leadership you know the conversation

expanded into bringing your whole self

to the workplace and how you could

really be you and you know those were

the days when social responsibility was

a fresh term so that was always there so

it’s not so much a when it’s just how it

showed up and it’s always been showing

up and now it’s a platform that I stand

and I’m really I’m committed to being of

service I want to make my money in a

meaningful way if I can alleviate

suffering in some way I’m gonna use my

talents to do that

you know that’s my definition of

holistic right I want to serve and I

want to prosper I want to talk about

consciousness and I want to make cash

you know I’m highly introverted but when

I’m out I’m out and I’m present so yeah

it’s a it’s always been there okay I get

that I can take that I feel like people

have this misrepresentation of success

they see the sort of end result of

success they see they don’t

see the hard work in the failures so

have you at any point felt like okay

I’ve made it this is the point you’re

sitting down with Oprah maybe that was

the moment where you just felt I’ve made

it I’m starting to do what what I love

to do does it you know when the

production team for Oprah calls you

that’s pretty cool real life happens I

mean one of the days that Oprah staff

got in touch with me no I went

downstairs until my can like Oprah team

just called and my kids like well cool

but you know what the toilets clogged

downstairs real life is always happening

there’s those times like the first times

when I would get recognized on the

street and people will come up to me I

get a lot of gratitude for like an idea

that apparently changed somebody’s life

so being recognized is definitely a

moment like a big one was I was in

O’Hare Airport and I was running to

catch a plane I think I was in between

gigs or something I was getting a juice

and somebody in line said oh my god

that’s like the Danielle Laporte voice

you must bow like my voice is getting

recognized so yeah those are fun moments

and you never at least I don’t feel like

I’ve arrived like there’s always

somewhere to be tomorrow there’s I want

to keep going and keep growing so yeah

there’s fun moments you tell your

friends like God I feel like I made it

and the next day it’s the next thing

yeah do you think that’s an ego type

process where you’re kind of always

pushing for that the next thing as you

said well I think you know that’s it’s a

great question and it can be an ego type

thing or it can be a really divinely

guided thing so I prefer to refer to it

as this divine dissatisfaction I’m

always gonna want to create I am a maker

I’m always gonna want to make but today

I’m gonna rest in the complete gratitude

and the respect and like the total

appreciation about what has showed up

for me and what I’ve done to help but

show up and sometimes yeah it can be

it’s what the Buddhists call The Hungry

Ghost you’re never satisfied it’s never

enough you can’t

Press enough people you can get 99

fantastic comments on something and one

negative comment and said negative

comment that sticks with you

you’re running all the time and you will

continue to run endlessly and eventually

bring yourself out and you get really

clear on who you’re trying to impress

and there can be a really positive or a

really dark answer to that one of my

core tenants is that you’re not actually

chasing the goal you are chasing the

feeling you want to have when you reach

that goal it’s best to get clear on the

feelings you want to feel and what I

call your core desired feelings and when

you’re clear on that then you come up

with your quarterly objectives then you

come up with your bucket list and then

you assess all the goals you have and

you figure out if what you’re going

after is really what you need to go

after for like your whole success your

soulful success because a lot of us are

just on achievement autopilot and just

trying to fix a wound trying to get our

dad to finally say he’s proud of us

it’s approval to to bandage some some

hurt that we have you can’t keep on that

track you’re gonna fry out you’re gonna

end up on Prozac it’s not sustainable in

the examples that you’ve seen with

people that come to you for advice where

do you see that expectations can be

problematic do you see that people sort

of set themselves up for failure you

know it depends so to the first part of

your question how can expectations be

problematic well they can be really

problematic and they can be incredibly

useful you know my learning is that the

trick with wanting something the trick

with desire is to really want it with

your whole heart to have as much belief

as you possibly can muster in deserving

it it’s not gonna come to you if you

think you don’t deserve it and then

you’re gonna try and meet the universe

halfway you’re gonna do your work you

know really show up to make it happen

but you gotta let it go and it’s really

paradoxical like want what I want with

all my heart but have no expectations

and I’m not talking about having no

expectations in life you know let people

treat you like or you know lower

your standards that’s not what it’s

about

but you have to leave lots of room for

mystery and how things are gonna show up

in your life this is part of the power

being really connected with how you want

to feel because lots of things can come

your way jobs and relationships you know

it’s not exactly how we had it on our

vision board it’s not exactly what we

thought but they make us feel the way we

want to feel and you know the

fulfillment is there so expectations

they’re messy and they’re tricky and

they create a lot of suffering and when

they’re used in the right like dose you

know having expectations can really set

the tone for things that’s where

expectations become more like standards

you know you know I have high standards

and that rates this rhythm it creates

this quality to my life has there been a

moment where you’re just like oh I’m

kind of sick of the self-help thing like

it is like narcissism and I’m just done

doing it and just just done with it has

how many times that happened to you well

sorry about how many times degree the

intensity so that’s why I wrote

white-hot truth you know was about

feeling tired of trying to be better

like constant self-improvement that’s

where I had to ask the question like Who

am I trying to impress you know my

spirituality had become another thing I

might to-do list it’s like therapy and

juicing and yoga and you know the long

list I wouldn’t say I hit the wall but I

said I got weary enough to have some

breakthrough thinking around trying to

get better at being better it is the big

theme for me in my life right now you

advise your readers to create something

called a stop doing list what does a

stop doing list and why is having a stop

doing list such an important thing

because we’re all doing things that we

don’t need to be doing that are self

sabotaging that are wasteful in terms of

all kinds of resources that we’re doing

for the wrong reasons

and I think what you stopped doing in

terms of what you’re going after is just

as important as all the new habits that

everybody in the self-help space is

telling you that you need you know you

want good things to come into your life

you got to clear the decks you want to

be strategic and mindful you have to

clear your mind you want to create new

habits you have to stop doing the old

habitual stuff once or twice a year

like I really consciously and

intentionally think of what I’m gonna

stop doing it has this it kind of

naturally happens usually there’s this

new phase of like there’s more requests

and there’s more demands and there’s

more travel and there’s more things that

I want to do and there’s the next book

and the next product and all that and I

feel like I’m heading towards being

maxed out take a breath

what goes on a stop doing this now you

know it’s like stop staying up too late

stop doing particular kind of interviews

stop taking a red-eye flight you stop

trying to get it right for everybody’s

birthday it’s a cleansing it’s essential

that I’m gonna steal that I’m gonna

borrow that you can just have it you

don’t even have to steal it you can have

it okay thank you so you know we talked

about this sort of climb to success and

Oprah calling you where was the moment

where you were just burn out or just

bottom I one of those two and where you

just felt like okay you know maybe maybe

I’ll turn around and you’ll do something

else

while the revelation around being fried

from a lot of self-improvement happened

sort of midway through my divorce so

there’s lots going on there’s lots of

life repair and things falling apart

with that that was a really big aha for

me I’m just like is everything I’m doing

to be well and good really helping me to

be well and good and the answer was no

not not all of it all of this is

punishing and a lot of this is taking up

the time I want to do things that really

heal me and really make me feel like

myself

I want the space and time in my life to

be with my friends not necessarily my

therapist I want the space and time in

my life to make what I make like

creating being of service is fulfilling

and it’s healing and it’s you know it’s

so much the answer but yeah I need space

to do that you know at the end of the

day this is all about you being your own

guru right like referring to yourself

not necessarily the coach not

necessarily the guy on Instagram with

the big Facebook following is telling

you all the time to just feel the fear

and do it anyway it’s like you feeling

what you need to feel and then deciding

if you’re gonna do it or not yeah yeah

that makes so much more sense than just

what you said before

you know that is a great segue into

something that I really want to touch on

because I think what connected with me

the most from reading your book was some

of the spiritual practices that people

just kind of adhere to or kind of lived

by and like there’s a chapter in your

book called open gentle heart big

bucking bents boundaries for spiritual

people so how do we create boundaries

that work

they’re hard to create so I think if

everybody just has that recognition that

it’s not necessarily easy for a lot of

people it’s like it’s a new muscle that

they have to exercise I mean women are

especially good at not having boundaries

it’s a whole new territory putting up

your big fence so just knowing

that sort of helps you do the work that

needs to be done when you start to put

up boundaries for yourself and I mean

this can be everything from like you

know the self-regulated boundaries where

you know you’re not gonna check your

email after 9 o’clock at night or it’s

the boundaries where you know you’re not

gonna do that exercise in the group

workshop you’re not gonna go home for

the holidays or you’re not gonna see

your ex anymore whatever those are

sometimes we go overboard and it’s like

we quit things and we we put up huge

stopgaps in place when really we just

need to just say you know I I don’t want

to work 60 hours a week quitting right

so sometimes we go overboard boundaries

are something that need to be declared

most of the time they’re not just

quietly held practices you know you have

to tell the world how to treat you as

Maya Angelou said so and that’s where

the hard work really comes in where you

say look this doesn’t work for me

anymore or this is what works for me or

this is how I want to do it this is how

I want to be talked to the reason it’s

difficult is because everybody wants to

be loved most of us want connection and

then there’s a huge threat just like

thought out of us or easier or you see

if I have boundaries like ways that

sadly boundaries respect is you know you

taking care of yourself in that way and

there’s a difference between boundaries

and barriers so I think the best

metaphor for this is that boundaries are

like the big fence you mentioned

you’ve made your declaration so people

are you know give or take people are

going to respect that you have some

peace of mind

you can you can chill right whereas

barriers are kind of like fake

boundaries and we haven’t really made a

declaration so we’re just kind of like

we’re just guarded and we’re walking

around thinking out like don’t with

me and don’t ask me to work overtime and

don’t talk to me like that but there

hasn’t been like this healthy expression

you end up exerting a lot of energy

waiting to maybe be attacked maybe have

someone cross your so-called boundaries

you know hmm

but boundaries are much harder work I

just want some more clarity on this

because how does a person keep an open

mind

an open framework and have healthy

boundaries at the same time so say more

about what you mean about that what do

you mean an open mind and healthy donors

let’s say that there is a person that is

experiencing this sort of looping event

where they keep experiencing the same

things over and over let’s say that

they’re in unhealthy relationship after

unhealthy relationship and they’re just

meeting all the wrong people and as much

as they try to shift what they’re doing

or shift how they’re thinking it just

doesn’t work like where do you see it

not working there

I see what you’re saying okay so it’s

about a pattern so first of all I mean

in this question we have to figure out

like what the pattern is so Lots there’s

lots of different ways to go wrong you

keep attracting people who don’t respect

your boundaries well in this case in the

boundary conversation it’s mostly

probably your problem because the world

does treat you how you ask the world to

treat you and people are gonna try and

push you and disrespect you if you’re

tracking that over and over again

there’s something I think that you’re

not being clear enough about you’re not

declaring and it probably you know not

to get super therapeutic about this

mm-hmm but it probably goes right back

to your own self-worth on some level you

still aren’t believing that you’re worth

respect you’re worthy of your desires so

yeah I think if you’re attracting

Stampeders then it gets back to you not

feeling really worthy oh I’d really

enjoy that I don’t think I’ve heard

someone explain it quite like that force

I really appreciate the fresh

perspective let’s talk about being the

Guru let’s talk about how we own that

power and realize that we are our own

gurus please explain how we do that well

this is the point and it can take your

whole lifetime I think I could take

multiple lifetimes I mean this has been

my own experience in order for me to get

to my own self agency and my own power

my own clarity I had to fall for a lot

of and when you wake up and you

realize you know that you’ve sold

yourself short or you kind of got

hoodwinked by a healer or a teacher or a

partner or a boss or whatever you know

you felt when you wake up when you

realize you fell for it if you’re on the

path of wanting to be more awakened self

actualize normally what happens after

that is you really get down on yourself

you’re just like how could I have done

that

I’m like such a new-age loser I must be

weak I must be defective why how did I

miss that but actually I think that’s

where the first really important reframe

needs to happen which is instead of

feeling like you’re a loser

because you got off track you have to

declare that

that was an initiation that’s part of

the passage of me waking up and

realizing there’s a different kind of

truth and it’s over here this is about

learning to be discerning and you can’t

learn to be discerning unless you buy a

lot of lies along the way so it’s part

of it and so you question like do I need

us do I need a coach do I need a

therapist the answer sometimes is yes

like maybe forever you know or at

certain times in your life do I need all

these tools all these things I’ve been

relying on do I need my mastermind group

join a my drumming circle and when you

decide to do that and kind of cleanse

and start looking to yourself some more

then the next phase comes and you get a

little freaked out and if you know the

big decision comes should I sign this

contract should I go should I say yes to

this person should I do this should I

buy it should I sell you’re gonna want

to refer and defer to somebody else and

that’s where he’s like hold tight it’s

like you don’t go get a fix like an

objective sort of perspective is that

what you mean no well just your

perspective nobody else’s perspective

you’re gonna it’s like it’s your call

it’s your call

there are people that I go to and say

what would you do what would you do if

you were me but the bottom line is it’s

me it’s me making the decision and I you

know whether I’m right or wrong about it

what I do the best thing or the worst

thing I want to make it because it was

my call it was my intuition not because

I want to make somebody else feel right

so even if it’s a fail I’m still

building my muscle in discernment and

clarity and intuition of power you know

that’s what everybody’s talking about

when they say the answer lies within so

I have fewer sources let’s say I look to

for guidance mmm more me and so far so

good

I haven’t severely up you know

like turns out I really can be the

master of my own domain what so working

out so far oh man I love that that’s so

refreshing

I find your radical honesty to be really

really truly amazing you know everything

that we’ve been talking about is so very

empowered

building boundaries and and learning how

to sort of trust yourself has there been

a moment where you’ve kind of wanted to

go in a certain direction and then your

your intuition or something internally

is just it’s like a wall and there’s no

way forward from that have you in that

situation before

oh yeah many situations I have had major

publishing deals that I have walked away

from there’s been a number of contracts

and various situations where you’re

building visions of the future and I’ve

just couldn’t sign it wasn’t working it

wasn’t didn’t feel right in my body I

was really clear this is not how I want

to feel I’m not moving ahead you know

I’ve been offered TV shows like you know

what it takes to do a TV show is not the

lifestyle I want to have I’ve been in

business with people who I thought would

take my career to the next level and

that if I parted ways with them could

really be damaging for me but it wasn’t

in integrity to stay and you know those

walkaway moments those I’m not signing

or you’re fired or I’m you know I’m

leaving those are defining those are

defining moments

everybody’s got intuition doesn’t mean

it’s easy to follow sometimes it will

take all of the courage you have you

will disappoint people you will risk

money you will leave money on the table

the times I have done that and done the

hard work to say no they brought me to

the next level you know the right person

has showed up a day later we made twice

as much money on the next deal or you

know sometimes magical things didn’t

happen but myself and my whole team

relieved

free happy lighter way more better

[Music]

what’s up folks

Xavier katana here and you have been

listening to Danielle reports to hear

the rest of this interview get to the

human xpcom slash remembers where you

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wrong it’s part of life if you want to

win you’re gonna lose on the way that is

part of something that you’ll get access

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experience

so the human xpcom /members thank you

guys so much for listening

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[Music]

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